Tired of this habit, really … for about a month guiltily fretting over the fact that I haven’t written anything in my blog in the previous one month, then one fine fortunate day popping up to give some updates, with the post titled ‘update’ or something in the lines of that …
Sometimes one just can’t comprehend what his own brain is doing, what it is thinking about. You try to shut it out about something, try to just forgive (yourself) and forget, try to look forward … but saale sunta hi nahin. It’s very hard to ignore if the thought takes so much space in the brain, just the ideas, and wild daydreamings … the weight just refuses to budge either way. I have done things impulsively, without giving any thought, and now i’m in a blind alley, burdened with a queer infatuation. I know what i feel, but i do not know what to do about it, absolutely nothing. Someone told me not to be myself, but what i think of myself, in that situation, but sure enough, ‘somehow i got caught up in between’ … now i think why on earth i did what he told, why on earth I didn’t remember what Mr. Hitchens said, ‘Basic principles … there’s none’.
Queer how it transforms you, how it motivates you. Queer how sensitive and expressive you become to your other commitments. All because of a single nagging feeling at the back of your mind. Sometimes I think ‘thank God, it’s over, FINALLY’, and suddenly it all comes flooding back … the whole cycle. Sometimes it’s only a smile, sometimes because of a fateful night. They say ‘out of sight, out of mind’, but I now see exceptions sure enough.
