Can’t help it …

A queer  feeling … that of being stuck in a no man’s land … confused, stoic … longing for something, but, time and again, things falling just out of place due to damn coincidences … yet startling intersections … desperately trying, but the mind just refuses to move on … no, it’s not an infatuation, a part of the brain remains constantly trained upon, although I’m ever trying to shift the focus …

Been listening to Mohit Chauhan’s ‘yeh doorian’ … umpteen times, repeating again and again and again for the last 2 days … trying to grasp the pattern of the song, but each time getting mesmerized by the haunting melancholy of the tune and Mohit Chauhan’s voice …

The midsems start next week, Pujo just after … I don’t know, where’ll it culminate in … just no idea. So near, yet so far. If someone told me about what I’ve been doing lately, I’d never have believed, even a couple of months back. I’d always have liked to surrender to the arbitrations of time … how long will it go on like this ? Whatever happens, things will be never be the same. Time’s a great healer, but it can’t heal anything and everything.

THE WEEK …

Technically, though it’s only 4 working days, with an extended weekend …

Monday, 10 Aug – The Anticipation … everything’s as usual, getting up early for gym, going to class in 1^st half, reinforcing the recent ever-growing habit of bunking classes in 2^nd half – today the excuse being playing poker, spending the afternoon trying to do something new on the lattice-graph project with Pocha, then trying to get rid of the guilty conscience by copying class notes throughout the evening, but soon slipping into familiar (read ‘lyaad’) territory by  watching ‘Love aaj Kal’ from tommy’s HDD after dinner, the only twist being some ‘hidden’ things getting copied from the external HDD to my lappie, among them a pdf that’d prove to be an eye-opener in course of the week  …  and what else, … checking mails and a familiar, dal-chawal uninteresting day comes to an end …

Tuesday, 11 Aug – The Initiation … Gym in morning, classes as usual, seeing the 2^nd yr juniors mass-bunking classes for organizing Freshers’ in evening, … which comes by in no time, … going to the auditorium with only a hint of a flutter, which turns into a ‘WTF’ as soon as getting into there and taking a seat, with people all around exponentiating my misery asking ‘hey who’s she-hey where’s she-good choice, man’ like comments, my wondering how it happened, as I technically told only ONE person (apart from batchmates, that is) … the fateful moment comes, on stage, people going up like crazy, the DVD gets handed over, … a slight touch …  constant and obvious references throughout her on-stage grilling … the program getting over at a little over 11, … Return to hostel feeling queer, mixed … then, for a change, a little bit of return to normalcy, with Navoneel da, a research scholar, one of the chief architects of my misery this evening, asking me to be a part of a project that would surely be out as a publication when finished … it all ends with reading things like USS from the pdf got from tommy’s hdd …

Wednesday, 12 Aug – The Confusion … As usual, getting up for gym, a tad late today, my funda about front press getting bashed by Haru Daa, the 70+ hulk at the gym, telling it’s not really for your chest, but to build your deltoids … a nagging thought in the brain … what now ?? a knee-jerk reaction, … IGNORE, you’ve got no chance anymore, after what happened last evening … doing that during breakfast … passing the 1^st yr classroom on way to our class … trying to be ‘normal’ among different people giving different fundas throughout the day, … a good session of ‘bhaat’ in afternoon … again the pdf, it says something about a certain P.E.A. …  thought I’d experiment, but no chance during dinner, … suggestions and comments still flowing in … tried to study in night, started a bit, but everything drifted away with the shuffled Coldplay playlist …

Thursday, 13 Aug … The Decision (or, is it?) … I don’t know. Honestly, it was the first thing in mind after I got up, went to gym, … for the first time my throat felt dry during a morning workout, … a growing restlessness, again Coldplay, … I can feel something new, some sort of freshness all around the body, my face … it first occurred during the awfully boring class of Diff Eqns … something getting up the throat, even quickening of pulse (I know it’s getting gross, man, it’s too irrational … but that’s how it felt) … a new tautness in the muscles, a confidence that I can do anything … what the hell is it ?? During lunch, … still no chance for the experiment, … but a twist, … the straight line is still not connected, and a third vertex has come into the imaginary plane, … for sure, those signals were unmistakable, surely they’re not random … about the second vertex … damn it, missed a great chance to talk, all due to some goddamn moments of delay …

Weekend … The queer feeling persisted throughout Friday … it’s a new me, definitely, … for the first time I’m longing to return to the hostel for the week, don’t know whether I’ll get the all important ONE chance, … if you understood an iota of what’s happening, wish me luck, … if you didn’t, still do wish, … a novice like me will need loads of that !!